I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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