when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
