I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
