i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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