I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
