were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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