My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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