i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
FUCK WHALES
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
