Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
