I think I won the penis lottery.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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