I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize