best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
