oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
