Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
