Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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