Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
