I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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