the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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