the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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