I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
