In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
