Got a toothbrush?
Buhtt sex?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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