Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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