Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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