The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
