I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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