her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
