Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
