i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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