I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize