I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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