I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i wish my penis had a tongue
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
