I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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