What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
