So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
