Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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