After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
