so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just had sex bonerless
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
