tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
