She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
