...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
