Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
