everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
