you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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