I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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