Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My liver just broke up with me...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
