So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
