I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
