Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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