dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's always time for handjobs
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
