It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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