Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
