why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
