He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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