dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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