i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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