I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
