OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize