if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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