Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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