the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
