I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
