WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
