Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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