So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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